Hi everyone! It has been months - I know - but - I am working on getting things back up and running. I won't start this morning, but I have some things I want to post on here that I hope will be of service not only to me because I need to write these things down, but also to you, the reader. I want you to be edified by the things I post. So - give me a little more time and I will start blogging again.

Love you all!

Tawna

Here I am again - Can't sleep, so I come to update my blog. 'Bout time, I'd say.

As usual, there have been lots of things that have happened and I just haven't known exactly how to post them, so I put it off. I'm sorry. I started this thing as a kind of "journal" for myself and I have felt badly I have not kept up on it regularly. I read so many fun things about my friends and I get so inspired by many of them in the way they describe their lives and loves. I get to feeling that I really don't have much for anyone to be interested in, so I let myself get talked out of spending the few minutes it takes to jot down my feelings. Most of the time, I'm sure, I am not one who would be considered an inspiration, but there are times I know I am. I know I can be an inspiration to those who love music, to those who love me and to those who use me as an example.

I have been so fortunate to have been taught many things in my life and have spent time developing talents the Lord has so graciously shared with me. I feel overwhelmed a lot when I take time to count my blessings. I don't count my blessings as often as I should, or I would be a better person than I am. That is what I want to kind of touch on this early morning - blessings.

I just got out of the hospital. It started off by my going to the doctor inquiring about my big toe. Details.... A couple of months ago, I made an interesting discovery - I had a terrible fungus on my big toes. Both nails have become so hideous because of it, I am embarrased to even admit they are mine! I had been going to a "nail" place to have a pedicure about every month. I gave this to myself explaining to myself it was easier for them to cut my toenails than myself because I did have a tendency to cut more than nail when I went to work on them. Being diabetic, I knew I didn't want to cause myself wounds that would be difficult to heal, etc., so I had a good excuse to let someone else pamper me for a few minutes.

With each pedicure, I would let them put nail polish on my toes and I got in the habit of wearing sandals, etc. to show off those "beautiful" toes! (I have to laugh a little here because when I was younger, I had sworn to myself and my friends that I would never wear makeup or do anything like that - let alone get my toenails painted! Oh, the folly of my youth!) I had even found a color I felt went with everything I wore so I wouldn't be considered a fashion dingbat. Well, when I would sit there, I would get absorbed in doing word puzzles or reading and would not pay close attention to what was happening with my feet. I usually wanted to fall asleep as they would massage my legs and make me feel relaxed with their care of my feet.

I had let time go by and my toes needed a little attention - the nails had grown so long I was finding myself perching on the end of the bed - so I decided to take matters into my own hands and trim my nails. I took off the paint and OH MY GOSH! Well - I have not returned to that place since and have been trying not to show my nails in public - OH MY GOSH!

The other day, I got up and got ready to go about my daily routine and because I was trying not to expose my toes, I put on a pair of tennis shoes. I had brought them back with me from Snowflake and thought they were mine - big mistake - they are a size too small and by the middle of the day, I was in pain. I knew I needed to get those shoes off, but was not where I could change them. When I got home and took them off, Nick mentioned my sock was bloody. Well - I knew I had probably rubbed a blister on the toe, but didn't think I had gotten that far - even though the pain should have made that obvious. I took off the sock and saw that I had basically hamburgered my toe. A few days later, that toe was beet red and I knew I was in trouble, so I made an appointment with the doctor.

In the meantime, I had been battling a little yeast infection that I knew was because of my lack of keeping myself regular in my blood sugars. Because of this, I had observed the beginning of a boil manifesting itself on my bottom end. Oh brother - those things are not fun. I remember reading something President Kimball wrote about when he was a Stake President and he was plagued with having to sit through multiple meetings with a burning boil on his bottom end. I understood completely his pain. Well - not only was this developing, I had noticed a sore on the inside of my left thigh - it was very painful - I couldn't walk, sit or stand without it letting me know of its presence. It was rediculous how painful this sucker was.

So - when I got to the doctor and showed him my toe, I decided I should say something about the other problems arising. I showed him the sore on my leg and he promptly said, "I'm going to send you to the Emergency Room at the hospital next door." ARE YOU KIDDING? I actually started to cry and asked why he was recommending such a drastic measure. He then explained that he was concerned about the sore on my leg. He didn't want to misdiagnose and just send me home with antibiotics, he wanted to be sure it wasn't the dreaded MRSA infection. Great! Here I go again - I had already been in the hospital last year with a blood clot in my leg and the scare of possible MRSA infections then. I didn't need to have that ugly thing brought back to me and scare all of family again!

OK - I spent a week in the hospital. While I was there, they did surgery on my leg. I now have the "meteor crater" on the inside of my left thigh! They decided to cut out all of the infection rather than spend months trying to take care of it with pills. They didn't know until a couple of days ago that it wasn't MRSA. This is one of the blessings I am counting. I dodged a bullet on this one and I know the Lord is the one who blessed me on that. I am now having to go through a therapy to heal this gaping wound - they have come up with a machine called the "wound vac." It is said to cut the healing of wounds like this in half. Another blessing I am counting right now. This is an amazing little machine and I am grateful technology has advanced so far. What a blessing!

While I was in the hospital, I had an interesting experience. Of course, as you probably know, you cannot get any rest while you sit in a hospital bed - people are coming in at all hours of the day and night either putting stuff into your arm or taking blood out, checking your temperature, your blood pressure, your oxygen level, your pain level, etc., etc., etc. Just as I would nod off to sleep, I was brought to that reality that I was the human pin cushion. I really tried to stay positive and cooperative. I met some wonderful people during that time - nurses and doctors who were really trying to make sure I left the hospital healthier than when I came in. They tried to make me feel as comfortable as they could, but they had to get the job done.

Well - one day I was sitting eating "lunch" when a young lady came in to clean the room. I wasn't paying much attention when she said, "You have the same birthday as me." That was interesting - we talked about that a little as she continued to clean. She then noticed my scriptures on my tray and asked me if I like to read the bible. I told her that I try to read it as often as I could. She said, "that sure is a big bible." I laughed a little and told her that it was actually a combination of a few books of scripture. I then asked her if she had heard of the Book of Mormon. She wasn't quite sure if she had or not, but had heard a little about the Mormons. Again - she was cleaning and our conversation wasn't as long as I was wanting it to be. She was ready to go into the next room, when I told her to come back before she left our area because I had something I wanted to give her.

Nick had brought me my bag that I kept my Sunday School scriptures in - which also has other manuals, etc. in it. He told me he had also grabbed a pocket sized Book of Mormon and put it in the bag. As this young lady left, I looked to see of that book was in the bag. It was - I wrote a note in the front of the book beginning with "Happy Birthday, June 12." She did come back in and I told her I was giving her this as a birthday present. You should have seen her face. It was such a nice smile. I told her to read it and to form her own opinion about it and not let anyone else tell her any different until she had the chance to read it for herself. It felt so good to share this special book with someone else. I knew the Lord had prepared that experience for me to take advantage of and I am glad I listened to the Spirit. I pray she takes the time to read it and gains a testimony of it.

I told Nick what I had done and asked him to go and get me a few more of the pocked sized books. I had also shared that little story with a couple of other people in my ward and the next thing I knew I was sitting in a hospital bed with nine Books of Mormon. The Bishop had heard what I had done and brought five of the books to the Relief Society second councilor to have them brought to me. She did that and was sitting there when Nick came in with his four he had bought for me. There I was - sitting in a bed - looking just absolutely "beautiful" and feeling just about as... with Books of Mormon there waiting for me to give to others. I had to laugh. What in the world and how in the world would I be able to give all of those away.

Well - you know - opportunities kept manifesting themselves and I offered and people took. I placed three more books and even approached one of the social workers that had come into the room to discuss my release from the hospital. She was really sweet and I knew I wanted to give her one - so I asked her if she had ever heard of the book and did she have one. Her answer took me by surprise, "yes, I have at least five of them at home." I, at first, didn't know what to say, then she said, "I'm a member - in fact I'm in the Relief Society Presidency in my ward." Wouldn't you know! I told her that I knew she was one that would appreciate a Book of Mormon and so that was why I asked. We both had a good laugh on that one.

It was this experience in the last week that has brought back to me how many blessings I have. I have been given an opportunity to make a difference in my life. I have been reminded how fragile our health is and how important it is to take care of ourselves. I truly want to make a difference in my life. I had a wonderful experience of being a missionary again and I want to keep that blessing alive. I am so grateful for all I have.

Forgive my rambling - I hope I have made some sense. I am now beginning to feel the sleep I had lost earlier working on my eyelids and know it is time to bring this post to a close. I want each of you that read this to know how grateful I am for you. You are some of the blessings I count. You are my inspiration to become a better person and be a better example. You inspire me to share my testimony and my talents with others and for this I thank you!

God bless each and everyone of you, until we meet again.....

Love,

Tawna

The last few months...

Well - par for the course - Tawna is long overdue on the posting stuff.  OK - so much for being consistant!!!!  At least I'm putting something out there now.

In the middle of June, Nick and I took off to Wyoming with my Dad and Mom and brother, Shea, and his two boys Derek and Jordan.  Daddy had his big horse trailer all painted up fancy and we took our big Dodge pickup with it's terrible paint job.  Veldon and Patsy Seymore came along to help out and gave Mama a comfortable place to ride.  We were also joined in Wyoming by my father's cousin, James Fairbourne.

We went up to Wyoming to do the Pony Express.  This, my father rides in every chance he can get.  He is always joined by James, and Shea and his boys have joined in to make it a 3 generation event.  It is really quite something.  The National Pony Express ride happens each year - it goes from St. Joseph, Missouri all the way to Sacramento, California and then the following year it starts from Sacramento to St. Joe.  They do the whole route in just 10 days, running horses 24 hours.  Derek has ridden with "Grandpa" each time and always looks forward to the next time.  Shea joined in last year and Jordan got to ride this year.  I wanted so badly to get something in the papers, etc. about the three generation thing, but missed the opportunity again.  If all goes well, we may be able to get the chance to do it again next year for their 150 year commemoration.  I think it would be wonderful if our boys were a part of that one for sure.

While we were there, we went to Church at Martin's Cove.  I was so impressed with Shea, Derek and Jordan.  They were given the privilege of passing the Sacrament in the meeting.  I was humbled by the fact that these three held the Priesthood and were worthy to step in and execute that ordinance for those of us in the congregation.  I truly appreciate that.  It made for a very spiritual experience.

That evening we put on a fireside for the missionaries at Sixth Crossing - this is where they commemorate the Willey Handcart company.  We were greeted with a band of musicians playing hometown music.  It was a real thrill to be treated to that.  I really want those missionaries to know how much I appreciated that introduction!  My family and I entertained them for about an hour and then went to our camp and slept through a very cold and windy night.  

The men went to ride up Rocky Ridge where the Willey Handcart company had traveled so many years ago.  When they returned, we all said our goodbyes and split up - Mama and Daddy, Shea and the Boys and the horses all headed back to Snowflake.  The Seymores stayed for a reunion.  James and his two horses, Bud and Etta headed back to Utah and Nick and I took off to Idaho.

We joined up with NIck's family in Idaho for a Posegate reunion.  It was a lot of fun.  We met family from up in Canada and reacquainted ourselves with family Nick had not seen in nearly 30 years.  We took one day to go and visit Yellowstone Park and another day to visit the Grand Teton Park.  Saw lots of wildlife and beautiful country.  It was a wonderful opportunity for all of us to get together and we are now planning on making it happen more often.  Nick and I truly look forward to that.

We came home and went right back to the grind.

Now it's July.  I had the opportunity of playing for the Taylor 4th of July festivities - always a thrill to play for that audience!  Great talent is shared at the Cowboy Poetry and Music evening on Friday night.  I've been a part of that since they started it 14 years ago.  I appreciate their including me each time.

This next week, I'll be playing for the Flake reunion and then for the Pioneer program on Saturday - and I will probably be playing in the parade for Daddy and his horses.  I look forward to this time also.

The following week, I will be playing at another Cowboy Poetry evening in Pinetop and then on the 8th of August I play in Greer with David.  A full schedule for sure and a whole lot of fun!

I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me these opportunities.  He has blessed me greatly.  I have such a wonderful family, such beautiful and supporting friends, and a marvelous husband that supports me in all these crazy things.  I know this post seems a little disjointed, but I have had trouble just trying to this typed in.  Sorry about that.  Hopefully next time I will make better sense.

Until the next time....  I love you all and look forward to hearing from you and watching you on Facebook!  Be good and God Bless!

Tawna

Blessings

I titled this posting "Blessings" because I just want to count a few.  

I have had a wonderful life.  I was born into a wonderful, loving family, who showered me with just about everything a little girl would want to have.  I was cute - and I knew it - and apparently I showed it.  Of course, I was spoiled and then I had to eat "humble pie" when each of the other children came into the family.  I found out that I was not the only "cute" one in the bunch.  Each added their "cuteness" and have now added more as they have brought others into the family.  These nieces and nephews of mine blitz my "cuteness" all to holler - but they need to remember - I WAS THE FIRST TO BE CUTE!

I was reflecting on things I have been privileged to do in my life and the people who have helped shape my life into what it is today.  I am so blessed with such good friends.  I have a whole town full of friends.  You know - I could drive down each street in Snowflake and can point out where all of my friends live.  I have been blessed to have had the privilege of growing up in a town of wonderful people.  

I remember walking to school - usually with my cousins Mitzi and Monty - and having a good time doing it.  We would walk by the old Smith's Store where Annie Frost would smile at us as we would walk by - She was a great person - you could count on getting a smile and a laugh out of her every time you went to the store.  The store was sold and was called "Nick's Market" for a while and Annie kept working - then the Adams' changed the name to "Pioneer Market" and Annie transitioned into that.  It was sad when we lost her smiling face.

We would walk around the old Main Street Church.  I remember my cousins getting skates - you remember - the ones that had to have a "key" to tighten them onto your shoes - well - that was about the only place we had that had sidewalks good enough to try to learn how to skate.  I tried, but I was a dismal failure.  I don't know what possessed me to try to go skating with my friend David when we were the Young Adult reps for the ward....  I came out of that experience with a hyperextended knee.  Should have remembered that if I couldn't do it when I was a kid, how in the world would I be able to do it as an adult.... BROTHER!

The old Church has been a blessing in my life.  I can remember sitting on the old wooden benches and listening to the "two and a half minute" talks by my friends.  I remember old Mike Ramsey - the bench he would sit at.  I will digress here a little and write a few memories of Mike.  He lived on the same street I did and I would see him walking on the street kicking a rock as he walked.  There would be times he would kick that rock, walk up to it, look at it for an eternity and then kick it again.  It was always so interesting to me how he would study that rock each time he would kick it.  Mike would be found a lot at the old Ballard Brother's Garage.  He'd be there shooting the bull with the Ballard brothers around the old stove in the middle of the garage.  Lots of stuff was discussed around that stove.  That was another landmark that has been destroyed that I feel badly about losing.  Anyhow - Mike - One day I was riding my bike home from school - now remember - when I was in grade school, we had to wear dresses, no pants (we could wear shorts under our skirts if we wanted to climb on the monkey bars or twirl on the straight bar) - and I had just turned by the old Stinson home heading North to my house.  I must have hit a rock just right because I went down hard.  I still can remember trying not to cry as I looked at my hands and knees scraped and bloodied.  There I was in a heap, when Mike came up to me.  He didn't say a word, he just helped me get untangled from my bike and helped me to my knees and held the bike so I could get back on and sent me on my way, waving as I left.  You know - from that day on - I thought of Mike in a whole different way.  I would greet him at church and his eyes would twinkle.  I remember one time at church, someone was sitting on his side of the pew.  Mike got there and just stood at the end of the bench and just waited.  He didn't move - he just stood there.  I wish I could remember who it was that finally let the person know that he was sitting in Mike's seat, but as soon as the person scooted over, Mike sat down and the meeting started.  I thought that was one of the funniest things I had ever seen - Mike standing there just as patient as he could be, but never mentioning to the person that they were in his seat.

OK - 'nough!  Walking down by the old hospital.  It burned down and then the town put the fire station there.  I can remember the fire - how it was so big that it burned all of the electrical cables around it and they were sparking all over the road when they would hit the water.  I think APS was a little slow in getting the power off because that power show was cool to watch.

Then we would get to school and go into the old Haywood building.  I really wish it was still there.  When the school district decided to tear it down, they had a dickens of a time because it was built to last.  They claimed that it was not safe any longer, but I remember watching the wrecking ball hit the side of that building and bounce off of it like the ball was made of rubber.  That building stood its ground for quite a while until it finally sensed it wasn't wanted any more and it came crashing down.  I remember crying when I saw that.  I feel I was very blessed to have had some of my education in that building.  I had Mrs. Crandell as my first grade teacher, then Mrs. Blohm for second, then Mrs. Baum for third grade.  We had orchestra in that building up stairs.  I learned a lot in those sacred halls.  I also learned that I had a lot of friends.  As I have reflected on that, I really count my blessings for having the privilege of experiencing life in Snowflake.

I don't know - I guess I just had the need to express a few memories along with my blessings.  I have felt that this medium has been good for me to dust off some of my cobwebs in my brain and share them with whomever is interested.  I will probably add some more as we go along, so I hope you don't mind.

Thank you for listening and reading about my childhood.  You have all made my life a blessing and I continually ask the Lord to bless each and every one of you.

Until next time.... Keep smiling - you never know who's life might be made a little better because you shared that smile!

Love you!

'Bout time I updated.  I have noticed so many have gone to the "Facebook" thing, but I think having this - for me - has been much better for sharing my feelings.  I have truly enjoyed finding old friends and keeping up with those that I know.  I am so grateful for all of my friends and family.  I think that was instilled in me when I was rather young.  Being a member of such a large family - that includes the Flakes, Smiths, Webbs, DeWitts, Bakers, Farnsworths, Martineaus, etc., etc., etc., I was given ample opportunity to have lots of friends.  My parents always enjoyed being with their kinfolk and that helped me enjoy it too.

Since I have "grown up," I have been able to really appreciate those relatives that I grew up knowing or being introduced to.  I have seen first hand what a wonderful group of people I am a part of.  Growing up in Snowflake, of course, I knew all of my Flake relatives that resided there also.  I had many of my cousins that were around my age and we did things together quite often.  There were many of the Smith relatives that I knew and grew up with also.  Mine is a rich heritage, for sure.  

I totally believe I was blessed to have been given the opportunity to grow up around family.  It has molded my life into that of appreciating people from all circumstances.  I have relatives that run from all extremes - some have lots of money, some have next to nothing, some have fame, some are very quietly living their lives, some are doing just fine being in the middle - but each of them have played a valuable part in my life.  I honor my family.  I am grateful for the kind of people they are.  As a whole, they are honest and forthright - they have testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and try to live up to that testimony.  That, I think is what makes us such a great family.  

I will site the Flake family for a moment - We meet each year for a big reunion in July.  This reunion is attended by hundreds of us Flakes from all around.  There are still a good handful that live in Snowflake, but there are thousands of us spread around the world and it is exciting to see those that come to visit for the reunion.  I have been trying to find out for sure if this is true, but I believe we have the longest running "family rodeo" in the nation.  But anyhow - one of the most wonderful things is that when you meet a family member, you are greeted as being a very important part of the family.  It doesn't matter what limb of the tree you are off of, you are still a vital part of this important family.  My father's first cousins treat me as if I were on the same limb of the tree as they - they always come and give me a hug and a good warm handshake - which makes me feel so much love.  I love each of them and appreciate their friendship throughout the years.

The DeWitt family is so similar - they sure like to have fun.  They laugh, sing, tease, etc. and you just can't leave them without feeling that wonderful sense of family.  So many of my relatives on all sides give me that feeling.  I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me the opportunity to grow up in such circumstances and pray that I will always be a good example to others.  So - if you're a relative - I LOVE YOU!

Now - I have been privileged to meet and get to know so many others that don't come so close in the relative area - but are just like my family.  All of you continue to make my life a blessing.  So many of you were there to help teach me while growing up.  Many of you came after I left home (sort of) as an adult (Ha - never really have gotten to that point yet).  Because of your influence on me, I am who I am today.  The circle of friends that surround me are great!  Your testimonies of the Gospel also bolster me up to meet the challenges of the times.

I had the beautiful opportunity to play for two very dear friends' funerals.  Brother Bill Maxwell was such a wonderful friend.  I grew up with his kids and I have had lots of fun with Bill through the years.  It was sad to hear of his passing, but he had lived a long, happy life and it was time to move on to his wife and children that have passed on before.  I will always be grateful for my association with him and his family.  I am so honored to have been a part of his celebration and I thank the family for including me.

The next funeral - I had very mixed emotions about.  My dear friend Dawn Shelton - a classmate and friend and church companion.  She passed on very suddenly and so it was a shock to us to hear of it.  Yet, understanding what she had been through in her life, this was a real blessing.  It isn't easy for her family to lose her, but because they are founded in the Gospel, they the have a keen understand as to where Dawn is now.  I mentioned to her brother and sister that I felt Dawn had graduated.  She had come to this life to learn what God had in store for her - she had many trials - many of those trials were very hard - yet, she did what she was supposed to do, she endured.  So, when she passed through the veil, I'm sure she was greeted with that understanding that she had passed the test and now had graduated on to the next part of the Plan of our Heavenly Father.

What a wonderful thing to understand - that we have a short time being away from Heavenly Father and we get to be tested as to what caliber of spirit and child of God we are and then know that we will be able to return to Him again.  This is all because of what our Saviour, Jesus Christ, did for us.  This is the Easter season - so many important dates surround the final Easter morning.  

The thought of the Lord being treated as a common criminal - or worse - and being flogged, scourged, beaten.  That alone makes my soul weep.  But - the most important thing that was done, was when He went to the Garden and took our sins upon His shoulders.  My goodness!!!  How many drops of blood did I cause Him to shed?  Many more than I should have, yet He did it for me.  He gave me opportunity to repent and continue to strive to live my life worthy of that sacrifice.  Then - He died - on the cross - a most inhumane way of torture - for me....!!!  In this mortal understanding of mine, it is inconceivable what He truly went through, but He did it - He did it for all of us!  Just for that we should celebrate.

Then - He rose from the dead!  He took his body from the tomb and it was glorified and perfected and He opened the graves.  To have that understanding is humbling.  To know that because of Him, I too, will be able to be reunited with my body after death and it be perfected and that I will have the opportunity to live with Him and our Father again - WITH MY FAMILY, TOGETHER, FOREVER!  Hallelujia!  Glory to God on High!  He is RISEN!

My dearest family and friends - thank you again for helping me in all of my follies to come to the understanding of what life is truly about.  You are so wonderful.  I LOVE YOU ALL!

Changes

I have let this go by again a little too long.  

Had an interesting Sunday evening last Sunday - it was almost too windy to go out and play my violin, but we had people say they were going to be there, so we couldn't let them down.  We had a handful of folks stop by, but the doggone wind was a little too much and it started to get a little chilly.  The missionary sisters came by also and they kept asking for more and more hymns and songs.  One of the sisters asked if I knew the song "Homeward Bound."  She started singing it to me, and I recognized it a little, but wasn't quite sure if I really knew it.  So she has challenged me to learn it.  I just don't know where to find it and if I would be finding the right one.  Hummmmm.

Well, folks, it's time for a change.  I need one desperately.  For the next few weeks, I'm going to try to make some changes.  I will let you know how they are going and what they are as time goes by.  But - I need to do something for myself and my family.  

I have had an opportunity kind of "dropped" in my lap and I need to prepare myself for it.  I have a cousin that lives in Russia and is building a titanium plant for his company.  I was talking with his wife over "FaceBook" and she asked me a really loaded question.  I had been telling her a little bit about my husband and she asked if he had any children.  Well - had to answer "no" because we don't.  I have many nephews and nieces that are just like my own, but they don't really belong to me and Nick.  There was a point at the beginning of our marriage that I thought I was pregnant - had all the signs - and then I think I lost it.  I talked with the doctor and he said everything pointed to a miscarriage - a very early one.  So - there wasn't anything after that and things have been kind of changing, so it looks like I ain't goin' to be the one that makes us parents.

Well - Christine stopped me in my tracks by telling me about a young boy she knew in an orphanage there in Russia.  His name is Roman.  He is five years old.  She sent me pictures and he is really cute.  She commented that she had fallen in love with this little guy and had tried to get him a home with a family earlier, but the family ended up adopting from the States.  So - Roman was left alone again.  She asked me to talk with Nick about it.  As soon as I mentioned it, Nick said, "How long and how much - let's get it done."

You know - I have always wanted my own family.  When I received my Patriarchal Blessing, it stated that I would have children and I would raise them in the Gospel... so I always counted on that to happen.  Well, as time has gone by, I missed my opportunity to bring children into this world and I have had moments of sadness overcome me at times - but because I know what to look forward to - that there is going to be a time when I will be able to have children and raise them in the Gospel - I have not despaired.  I have put my trust in the Lord on this one.

Because my mother had difficulties, it did not stop my parents from bringing children into our family by other means.  I have the most awesome brothers and sister that anyone could have.  Each one of them has brought a lot of joy into my life.  I don't have any idea what I would have done if my folks wouldn't have shared these kids with me.  I have one brother that is dealing with choices that have put him in a place where he can do a lot of thinking.  I can remember when he was brought into our home.  I can remember being in the court room when his birth mother was trying to get him back and I had to chase him around the room in his walker.  He was so cute.  I remember when we would play out in the back yard with our Tonka toys and building towns and roads and stuff together.  I remember riding horses for Daddy and training them to mind - going up and down Brimhall's mounds of dirt and sand - and riding fast out at the reservoir.  I remember his working with his horse, "Chasing Bear."  I remember swapping him chores - when it was cold outside, he didn't want to milk the cow - and I didn't want to do the dishes - so I would trade him and I would go out and milk the cow.  I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but anything was better than washing dishes!!!

My life with my brother Dallas was good.  We had a lot of moments where we disagreed with each other.  We had many times when things were hard, but I loved him and still do.  He has a lot of wonderful qualities.  I pray for him that he will see what he has had and will come back to us with a willing heart.  I could go on, but I want to mention my younger brother and sister.

Shea came into my life when I was 9 years old.  He was so cute!!!  Mama let me do a lot of the taking care of him.  We had our foster sister Rosemary living with us at the time and she took some of that responsibility also.  Shea wanted to be like Daddy.  He would mimic Daddy in just about everything he would do.  He loved to go out to the corral and watch Daddy with the horses.  He was very smart and he learned very quickly how to handle a horse and go and help us work the cows with Grandaddy and Uncle Glen.  He has always been one that wanted to do what was right.  You could never get him to budge on anything if it sounded like it had the slightest chance of being wrong.  He had to sleep in the same bed with his older brother - and still lives to tell about it.  If you have ever slept on the old water beds, you will know what I am talking about - you move, so does everyone else and if he just made a twitch, he was told if he wanted to live he had better not move again.....  He survived - but not without some trauma from it.

Shea was about 3 or 3 and a half when he went to Mama and asked her to tell Daddy to go out in the field and bring home a baby sister.  He had been going out with Daddy when the foals were being born and he figured that was where you got babies - so he asked Mama for that.  Mom told him that we didn't get babies from the field - he wanted to know where and so Mama told him we had to ask Heavenly Father.  Right then and there, he had Mama kneel down by the bed and pray for a baby sister.  My mother wasn't sure what to think of it - she couldn't have any more children and there had not been any prospects for any otherwise.  But she added her prayer to his and it wasn't very long before Shea's prayer was answered.

Lilli came into our lives with a bang.  She is our little firecracker - born on the 4th of July.  My folks had only a couple of weeks to prepare for her coming, but what a thrill it was to see her for the first time.  She was so small.  I was 13 and again, Mama let me do a lot of the taking care of this little ball of fun.  She was so cute.  My Dad's sisters and sister-in-law had baby boys that year and so Lilly was "in charge" of her younger boy cousins.  And let me tell you - she was IN CHARGE!  It was always so funny to see how she handled them.  She always loved little babies and even when the baby was almost as big as her, she would put that kid on her hip and carry them around just like she knew exactly what was to be done.

Lilli got to go us to pick my cousin Deon from her mission in Finland.  I am so glad she came along.  We went all over London, went up to Preston England and then rode the Eurail through Europe up to Denmark then up to Sweden and then over to Finland then back to Amsterdam and flew home.  We have had some good laughs at the memories of that trip.  I have had a lot of fun with her and still do!

Each of these kids have brought joy to our family.  And as I think about possibilities, I can think of what a joy a child would be in our home.  I don't know how we could do it, but I know that the Lord is very mindful of us and all of His children.  If we can prove worthy of this blessing, we welcome it with open arms and lots of love.  I know that it doesn't matter which way they come, they are an important part of a family and add so much.  I just hope I can be worthy of this blessing in this lifetime and that I can be the kind of mother my mother was to me.  I had the best!  Now I know you will all say your mother was the best - but hey - this is my blog and I say my Mom was the best!!!!  HA!

OK - I've cried enough today!  I just wanted to put down a few of my feelings.  I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts, but I appreciate your patience in reading these.  I am a product of my family and my friends and I thank all of you for being there for me.

Love you!

Tawna

Violin

Another sleepless night.  I'm getting tired of this.  I don't know what triggers it, but I sure wish my brain would shut down so that I can get some real "dream" sleep.

Oh well!  I guess I've heard that the older you get the less sleep you need..... Yikes!  If it has already started, I'm in trouble - won't be sleeping at all by the time I'm 60!!!!!!!!!!

I've been having some fun catching up with friends on FaceBook.  I have been able to be in contact with two of my companions from my mission and also a couple of other missionaries that were out the same time as myself.  This has been fun.

Memories!  What can I say.  There are so many that flood my mind.  I need a new filing system!  I do have to say that most of my memories tend to be in the good range.  It seems I have heard also that the older you get the better your memories are to you - meaning that most of the happy ones remain while the sad ones blur.  At least in my mind, this is mostly the case.  I have so many good memories.

Yes - I have some memories I would rather forget that continue to sneak in, but they are far and few between.  Memories from my childhood and growing up - learning about myself and what I felt was important at the time.  Wishing I were more accepted and then finding out years later that it wasn't as bad as I remembered - at least that's what everyone tells me.  But I do remember that if I wouldn't have had some of those times of not being accepted, I wouldn't have had the awesome experience of learning my violin and having it become my best friend.

As I sit here and reflect on that one particular part of my life - my violin - I am so grateful to the Lord for letting me have a taste of true love - music.  I remember how excited I was when Uncle Melvin started me on the violin.  My cousin, Mitzi, started with me and I remember going over to her house and pulling out the violins and comparing each one to the other and blowing on the tuning horn on the end of the instrument - thinking this was going to make us great violinists.  I had a gray case and she had a brown one.  I figured I had the coolest instrument.  But, as we began to learn to play, I could see she was playing better than me.  She really was.  I remember feeling pretty stupid as we would go to orchestra and I was sitting last seat because I couldn't play.  I would go home and try to practice.  I would hear Daddy asking Mama, "who's strangling the cat?"  "When is she going to play like Melvin?"  And so on.  I know he wasn't trying to be mean, but thank goodness for my Mom - she would convince Daddy that I would learn how to play and to leave so that it wouldn't make me feel bad that I couldn't right now.  

I remember one day at orchestra when Uncle Melvin announced we were going to have challenges.  He then came up to me and said that "tomorrow, you will challenge Donna Lee."  I remember looking at him and thinking, "you are completely nuts!  Donna Lee is sitting first chair - there is no way I can challenge her!"  He again told me that that was what was going to happen.  I went home and practiced - and practiced - and practiced.  That following day, we were all together in the orchestra room (which was located on the second floor of the old Haywood building that was torn down years ago) and all were on pins and needles.  I was 10 years old - fifth grader.  Donna Lee had already been playing for at least a year or two and I can still remember the feeling of dread and fear that almost made me run for home.  Well - my turn came.  I could see some of the other kids looking at me and probably thinking this was going to be a quick and easy "death."  Uncle Melvin positioned himself so he could not see us - we chose which would play first and we began.  Uncle Melvin would always hold up a hand and would raise a finger each time someone would hit a wrong note, so everyone was watching as this "battle" began.  I played first - and to my surprise, there were no fingers raised.  Talk about surprise - I was dumbfounded.  Well, then Donna Lee played.  I watched Uncle Melvin's had with hope and then saw no fingers go up.  Oh, no!  Now what?  She played it perfect.  See - there was no way I was going to win over her.

Uncle Melvin then announced that we would play something else out of the book that neither of us had played before.  SIGHT READING!  HEAVEN HELP ME!  I KNEW IT WAS OVER!!!

We looked at each other, made the decision as to who would play first and we began.  Donna Lee played first this time.  By the way - I know Uncle Melvin could tell who was playing.  There is no doubt!  Anyhow, I watched his hand..... one finger..... two fingers..... three fingers!  Now it was my turn.  I was shaking so bad I don't even remember if my fingers or the bow were even hitting the strings.  I watched out of the corner of my eye - I played.... one finger.... two fingers.... I knew it was just a matter of two more notes and I was out of there.... I finished and looked and saw only two fingers raised.  WHAT?  I had bested the best?  NO WAY!  I remember seeing Donna Lee's face.  She wasn't happy.  Everyone else in the room was stunned silent.  Uncle Melvin then informed everyone that on Monday, Tawna was going to occupy the first seat in the violin section.  Whoa!  I couldn't believe what I was hearing, seeing, feeling.....

That was when I finally felt that there was something I could do.  I had been feeling like I was not as pretty as others, that I was dumb, that I wasn't really wanted as a friend to anyone and then to have this happen, it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I truly needed at the time.

I don't know if Uncle Melvin did that on purpose or not, but I do know that it gave me the confidence to learn all I could about that instrument and made me feel good about myself.  Through the years, that violin has saved me more times than I can mention.  When I would come home feeling pretty beat up over something that happened at school or whatever, I would go into my room and pull out my violin and have a regular "cryfest" and would "talk" to my violin and would play and play and play.  It became my best friend in the whole world.  It never made me feel inferior.  It never made me feel I wasn't pretty.  It always made me feel like I was someone important and that it loved me as much as I loved it.

I know this sounds pretty crazy, but, I have to say that the blessing of music in my life, the blessing of that precious violin has made my life a thing of wonder and happiness.  I haven't been without challenges, but because of what I learned through my using my violin, I have been able to come out on top of things.  

When I first moved down here to Gilbert with Nick, we used to go over to my sister's home on Sunday evenings and I would play my violin out on the front yard and the kids would play and listen - neighbors would stop by - everyone would try to "stump" the fiddler.  It was a lot of fun.  Then weather got too warm and then life kind of took over and we didn't continue.  Well, Nick asked me if I would consider doing that here at our place in Mesa.  I thought - well - I guess the neighbors won't mind too much.  Nick called some of our neighbors and told them that we would be outside on Sunday evening and if they wanted to come over and listen that they were invited.  We had our next-door neighbor and our neighbors from across the street come over and we played until it got too late and started getting cold.  The next Sunday, we did the same and more people came over.  Well - tonight we will be doing the same and from what I heard from last Sunday, we should have a small crowd.  This has been fun.  I can only hope that I can keep the Spirit with me as I play and that it will touch those that listen.  

The Spirit of the Lord is real.  He accompanies those that live the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I feel so very fortunate that the Lord has given me a unique voice in sharing His truths and I pray that the love I have found with music spills over to those that listen.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me opportunity to serve.  Thank you, Uncle Melvin for believing in me.  Thank you, Mama and Daddy, for your support throughout the years.  Thank you, my sister and brothers, for your patience with me in my pursuits.  Thank you, Nick, for being so supportive of me and my love of sharing.  Thank all the rest of you for loving me, too.

Until the next post - take care and I love you!

Tawna