Changes

I have let this go by again a little too long.  

Had an interesting Sunday evening last Sunday - it was almost too windy to go out and play my violin, but we had people say they were going to be there, so we couldn't let them down.  We had a handful of folks stop by, but the doggone wind was a little too much and it started to get a little chilly.  The missionary sisters came by also and they kept asking for more and more hymns and songs.  One of the sisters asked if I knew the song "Homeward Bound."  She started singing it to me, and I recognized it a little, but wasn't quite sure if I really knew it.  So she has challenged me to learn it.  I just don't know where to find it and if I would be finding the right one.  Hummmmm.

Well, folks, it's time for a change.  I need one desperately.  For the next few weeks, I'm going to try to make some changes.  I will let you know how they are going and what they are as time goes by.  But - I need to do something for myself and my family.  

I have had an opportunity kind of "dropped" in my lap and I need to prepare myself for it.  I have a cousin that lives in Russia and is building a titanium plant for his company.  I was talking with his wife over "FaceBook" and she asked me a really loaded question.  I had been telling her a little bit about my husband and she asked if he had any children.  Well - had to answer "no" because we don't.  I have many nephews and nieces that are just like my own, but they don't really belong to me and Nick.  There was a point at the beginning of our marriage that I thought I was pregnant - had all the signs - and then I think I lost it.  I talked with the doctor and he said everything pointed to a miscarriage - a very early one.  So - there wasn't anything after that and things have been kind of changing, so it looks like I ain't goin' to be the one that makes us parents.

Well - Christine stopped me in my tracks by telling me about a young boy she knew in an orphanage there in Russia.  His name is Roman.  He is five years old.  She sent me pictures and he is really cute.  She commented that she had fallen in love with this little guy and had tried to get him a home with a family earlier, but the family ended up adopting from the States.  So - Roman was left alone again.  She asked me to talk with Nick about it.  As soon as I mentioned it, Nick said, "How long and how much - let's get it done."

You know - I have always wanted my own family.  When I received my Patriarchal Blessing, it stated that I would have children and I would raise them in the Gospel... so I always counted on that to happen.  Well, as time has gone by, I missed my opportunity to bring children into this world and I have had moments of sadness overcome me at times - but because I know what to look forward to - that there is going to be a time when I will be able to have children and raise them in the Gospel - I have not despaired.  I have put my trust in the Lord on this one.

Because my mother had difficulties, it did not stop my parents from bringing children into our family by other means.  I have the most awesome brothers and sister that anyone could have.  Each one of them has brought a lot of joy into my life.  I don't have any idea what I would have done if my folks wouldn't have shared these kids with me.  I have one brother that is dealing with choices that have put him in a place where he can do a lot of thinking.  I can remember when he was brought into our home.  I can remember being in the court room when his birth mother was trying to get him back and I had to chase him around the room in his walker.  He was so cute.  I remember when we would play out in the back yard with our Tonka toys and building towns and roads and stuff together.  I remember riding horses for Daddy and training them to mind - going up and down Brimhall's mounds of dirt and sand - and riding fast out at the reservoir.  I remember his working with his horse, "Chasing Bear."  I remember swapping him chores - when it was cold outside, he didn't want to milk the cow - and I didn't want to do the dishes - so I would trade him and I would go out and milk the cow.  I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but anything was better than washing dishes!!!

My life with my brother Dallas was good.  We had a lot of moments where we disagreed with each other.  We had many times when things were hard, but I loved him and still do.  He has a lot of wonderful qualities.  I pray for him that he will see what he has had and will come back to us with a willing heart.  I could go on, but I want to mention my younger brother and sister.

Shea came into my life when I was 9 years old.  He was so cute!!!  Mama let me do a lot of the taking care of him.  We had our foster sister Rosemary living with us at the time and she took some of that responsibility also.  Shea wanted to be like Daddy.  He would mimic Daddy in just about everything he would do.  He loved to go out to the corral and watch Daddy with the horses.  He was very smart and he learned very quickly how to handle a horse and go and help us work the cows with Grandaddy and Uncle Glen.  He has always been one that wanted to do what was right.  You could never get him to budge on anything if it sounded like it had the slightest chance of being wrong.  He had to sleep in the same bed with his older brother - and still lives to tell about it.  If you have ever slept on the old water beds, you will know what I am talking about - you move, so does everyone else and if he just made a twitch, he was told if he wanted to live he had better not move again.....  He survived - but not without some trauma from it.

Shea was about 3 or 3 and a half when he went to Mama and asked her to tell Daddy to go out in the field and bring home a baby sister.  He had been going out with Daddy when the foals were being born and he figured that was where you got babies - so he asked Mama for that.  Mom told him that we didn't get babies from the field - he wanted to know where and so Mama told him we had to ask Heavenly Father.  Right then and there, he had Mama kneel down by the bed and pray for a baby sister.  My mother wasn't sure what to think of it - she couldn't have any more children and there had not been any prospects for any otherwise.  But she added her prayer to his and it wasn't very long before Shea's prayer was answered.

Lilli came into our lives with a bang.  She is our little firecracker - born on the 4th of July.  My folks had only a couple of weeks to prepare for her coming, but what a thrill it was to see her for the first time.  She was so small.  I was 13 and again, Mama let me do a lot of the taking care of this little ball of fun.  She was so cute.  My Dad's sisters and sister-in-law had baby boys that year and so Lilly was "in charge" of her younger boy cousins.  And let me tell you - she was IN CHARGE!  It was always so funny to see how she handled them.  She always loved little babies and even when the baby was almost as big as her, she would put that kid on her hip and carry them around just like she knew exactly what was to be done.

Lilli got to go us to pick my cousin Deon from her mission in Finland.  I am so glad she came along.  We went all over London, went up to Preston England and then rode the Eurail through Europe up to Denmark then up to Sweden and then over to Finland then back to Amsterdam and flew home.  We have had some good laughs at the memories of that trip.  I have had a lot of fun with her and still do!

Each of these kids have brought joy to our family.  And as I think about possibilities, I can think of what a joy a child would be in our home.  I don't know how we could do it, but I know that the Lord is very mindful of us and all of His children.  If we can prove worthy of this blessing, we welcome it with open arms and lots of love.  I know that it doesn't matter which way they come, they are an important part of a family and add so much.  I just hope I can be worthy of this blessing in this lifetime and that I can be the kind of mother my mother was to me.  I had the best!  Now I know you will all say your mother was the best - but hey - this is my blog and I say my Mom was the best!!!!  HA!

OK - I've cried enough today!  I just wanted to put down a few of my feelings.  I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts, but I appreciate your patience in reading these.  I am a product of my family and my friends and I thank all of you for being there for me.

Love you!

Tawna

Violin

Another sleepless night.  I'm getting tired of this.  I don't know what triggers it, but I sure wish my brain would shut down so that I can get some real "dream" sleep.

Oh well!  I guess I've heard that the older you get the less sleep you need..... Yikes!  If it has already started, I'm in trouble - won't be sleeping at all by the time I'm 60!!!!!!!!!!

I've been having some fun catching up with friends on FaceBook.  I have been able to be in contact with two of my companions from my mission and also a couple of other missionaries that were out the same time as myself.  This has been fun.

Memories!  What can I say.  There are so many that flood my mind.  I need a new filing system!  I do have to say that most of my memories tend to be in the good range.  It seems I have heard also that the older you get the better your memories are to you - meaning that most of the happy ones remain while the sad ones blur.  At least in my mind, this is mostly the case.  I have so many good memories.

Yes - I have some memories I would rather forget that continue to sneak in, but they are far and few between.  Memories from my childhood and growing up - learning about myself and what I felt was important at the time.  Wishing I were more accepted and then finding out years later that it wasn't as bad as I remembered - at least that's what everyone tells me.  But I do remember that if I wouldn't have had some of those times of not being accepted, I wouldn't have had the awesome experience of learning my violin and having it become my best friend.

As I sit here and reflect on that one particular part of my life - my violin - I am so grateful to the Lord for letting me have a taste of true love - music.  I remember how excited I was when Uncle Melvin started me on the violin.  My cousin, Mitzi, started with me and I remember going over to her house and pulling out the violins and comparing each one to the other and blowing on the tuning horn on the end of the instrument - thinking this was going to make us great violinists.  I had a gray case and she had a brown one.  I figured I had the coolest instrument.  But, as we began to learn to play, I could see she was playing better than me.  She really was.  I remember feeling pretty stupid as we would go to orchestra and I was sitting last seat because I couldn't play.  I would go home and try to practice.  I would hear Daddy asking Mama, "who's strangling the cat?"  "When is she going to play like Melvin?"  And so on.  I know he wasn't trying to be mean, but thank goodness for my Mom - she would convince Daddy that I would learn how to play and to leave so that it wouldn't make me feel bad that I couldn't right now.  

I remember one day at orchestra when Uncle Melvin announced we were going to have challenges.  He then came up to me and said that "tomorrow, you will challenge Donna Lee."  I remember looking at him and thinking, "you are completely nuts!  Donna Lee is sitting first chair - there is no way I can challenge her!"  He again told me that that was what was going to happen.  I went home and practiced - and practiced - and practiced.  That following day, we were all together in the orchestra room (which was located on the second floor of the old Haywood building that was torn down years ago) and all were on pins and needles.  I was 10 years old - fifth grader.  Donna Lee had already been playing for at least a year or two and I can still remember the feeling of dread and fear that almost made me run for home.  Well - my turn came.  I could see some of the other kids looking at me and probably thinking this was going to be a quick and easy "death."  Uncle Melvin positioned himself so he could not see us - we chose which would play first and we began.  Uncle Melvin would always hold up a hand and would raise a finger each time someone would hit a wrong note, so everyone was watching as this "battle" began.  I played first - and to my surprise, there were no fingers raised.  Talk about surprise - I was dumbfounded.  Well, then Donna Lee played.  I watched Uncle Melvin's had with hope and then saw no fingers go up.  Oh, no!  Now what?  She played it perfect.  See - there was no way I was going to win over her.

Uncle Melvin then announced that we would play something else out of the book that neither of us had played before.  SIGHT READING!  HEAVEN HELP ME!  I KNEW IT WAS OVER!!!

We looked at each other, made the decision as to who would play first and we began.  Donna Lee played first this time.  By the way - I know Uncle Melvin could tell who was playing.  There is no doubt!  Anyhow, I watched his hand..... one finger..... two fingers..... three fingers!  Now it was my turn.  I was shaking so bad I don't even remember if my fingers or the bow were even hitting the strings.  I watched out of the corner of my eye - I played.... one finger.... two fingers.... I knew it was just a matter of two more notes and I was out of there.... I finished and looked and saw only two fingers raised.  WHAT?  I had bested the best?  NO WAY!  I remember seeing Donna Lee's face.  She wasn't happy.  Everyone else in the room was stunned silent.  Uncle Melvin then informed everyone that on Monday, Tawna was going to occupy the first seat in the violin section.  Whoa!  I couldn't believe what I was hearing, seeing, feeling.....

That was when I finally felt that there was something I could do.  I had been feeling like I was not as pretty as others, that I was dumb, that I wasn't really wanted as a friend to anyone and then to have this happen, it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I truly needed at the time.

I don't know if Uncle Melvin did that on purpose or not, but I do know that it gave me the confidence to learn all I could about that instrument and made me feel good about myself.  Through the years, that violin has saved me more times than I can mention.  When I would come home feeling pretty beat up over something that happened at school or whatever, I would go into my room and pull out my violin and have a regular "cryfest" and would "talk" to my violin and would play and play and play.  It became my best friend in the whole world.  It never made me feel inferior.  It never made me feel I wasn't pretty.  It always made me feel like I was someone important and that it loved me as much as I loved it.

I know this sounds pretty crazy, but, I have to say that the blessing of music in my life, the blessing of that precious violin has made my life a thing of wonder and happiness.  I haven't been without challenges, but because of what I learned through my using my violin, I have been able to come out on top of things.  

When I first moved down here to Gilbert with Nick, we used to go over to my sister's home on Sunday evenings and I would play my violin out on the front yard and the kids would play and listen - neighbors would stop by - everyone would try to "stump" the fiddler.  It was a lot of fun.  Then weather got too warm and then life kind of took over and we didn't continue.  Well, Nick asked me if I would consider doing that here at our place in Mesa.  I thought - well - I guess the neighbors won't mind too much.  Nick called some of our neighbors and told them that we would be outside on Sunday evening and if they wanted to come over and listen that they were invited.  We had our next-door neighbor and our neighbors from across the street come over and we played until it got too late and started getting cold.  The next Sunday, we did the same and more people came over.  Well - tonight we will be doing the same and from what I heard from last Sunday, we should have a small crowd.  This has been fun.  I can only hope that I can keep the Spirit with me as I play and that it will touch those that listen.  

The Spirit of the Lord is real.  He accompanies those that live the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I feel so very fortunate that the Lord has given me a unique voice in sharing His truths and I pray that the love I have found with music spills over to those that listen.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me opportunity to serve.  Thank you, Uncle Melvin for believing in me.  Thank you, Mama and Daddy, for your support throughout the years.  Thank you, my sister and brothers, for your patience with me in my pursuits.  Thank you, Nick, for being so supportive of me and my love of sharing.  Thank all the rest of you for loving me, too.

Until the next post - take care and I love you!

Tawna

Sunday

Today is Sunday.  I had the opportunity to go and accompany my nieces and some of their friends in Church today.  They sang "A Child's Prayer" and did a wonderful job.  I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or not.  When I woke up this morning, I felt dizzy and nauseous and wasn't sure if I would be able to stand and play at all.  I knew I would be able to play the violin ok, but standing or getting up and down from the stand, I wasn't absolutely confident in myself.  

I knew there wasn't time to "call in sick" so I just said a little prayer and went to the meeting.  Gratefully the Lord blessed me and helped me keep my balance and my composure.  As I said, the girls did a beautiful job and it is always rewarding to be able to be a part of things like this.

I have been suffering from bronchitis.  The cough has been almost unbearable.  I don't like how this makes me feel.  I wish I would get better.  This is driving me insane!

Had another opportunity to go see my niece, Tiffany, play volleyball on Saturday.  She is so talented at this sport.  I got there late, but got to watch her and her team win the series and place themselves in a better position of winning top honors.  Volleyball has become quite the competition - they have clubs that compete with each other all around the state.  It's amazing to hear all about it.  Tiffany will be playing for Chandler-Gilbert in the fall and so she is trying to keep herself in a position where they can't be without her.  I really wish her the best in this endeavor.

It was nice being with family yesterday - even though I felt like crap - it was good to be with them.  After the day was almost done, Lilli called and told me about her day and I felt guilty that I hadn't been there to be of help for her - she had a very full day and I was nowhere to be found.  DANG ME!!! 

I have been so blessed to have the family I do.  They sure are patient with this old sister and aunt.  They are all worried that I'm going to leave them or something, so I want to say here and now - I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!  I WILL GET MY HEALTH IN CHECK!

Now - I've said it.  Now - I have to do it, don't I.  Well - I am going to do my best to regain my health as much as the Lord will allow.  I want to be able to run and play with my nieces and nephews and enjoy all of the great things in life.  I don't want to be the one that everyone worries about.  I appreciate the concern, but I am not one who does well with sympathy.  I do have my moments, though, that I want somebody to really feel sorry for me and all that, but for reals, I don't want to be known as one who needs that on a regular basis.  I have told others that I can put on some of the greatest "pity parties" around (I bring refreshments) and I can really take myself to task on my faults, but I hope I don't spill them over to have others worry about them and me.

I know this doesn't make any sense, but let's blame it on the vertigo and bronchitis - what do you think?  

I love all of you!  Thank you again for your love and friendship to me.

Ta Ta for now!

Tawna

Old Friends

I have some of the best friends in the world.  I am so grateful for each and every one of them.  They fill my life with flowers of hope and praise.  They cultivate my testimony and add the nourishment to my soul.  I have one of the most beautiful bouquets of anyone around because of my friends.

I was just on my "FACEBOOK" page and was chatting with former mission companions.  A flood of memories came back and I am amazed at the real caliber of companions I had.  These women taught me the gospel just as plain and beautifully as my primary teachers and sunday school teachers did.  It was just a little more intense and 24 hours a day!  But - I came away from each companionship a stronger person in so many ways.

I want to thank each of them for their patience with me in helping me become the person I am today.  I have noted how much my parents have helped me.  I have also noted how much my brothers and sister have helped me, as well as their children.  But, I also want to thank those sisters that had to live with me without a break.  They all deserve medals for that!

It has been fun having this little forum.  I know I don't make a lot of sense, but it is nice to have the opportunity to publicly express my feelings.  I don't even know if anyone really reads this, but I don't care - I love having the opportunity.  

I have truly been blessed in my life.  And I want to shout that from the rooftops as loud as I can and say, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

So - until next time, take care and "Kauniita uunia ja oman kuulen kuvia.  Nykyy hyviin!"

Love ya!!!!!!